FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize