you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
