ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Who died my cat blue again?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
