jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
