I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
