I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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