it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Terrible idea I love it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
