he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
