so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
