I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
