so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
