The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
