Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
