Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
