When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
