I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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