Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
