Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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