Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
