I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize