Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
