Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
