The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I AM VODKA MAN
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
