our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
