Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize