Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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