WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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