finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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