Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
