Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize