I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My pussy is not your playground.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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