drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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