this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize