Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
