both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize