youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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