You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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