I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
