I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
