He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
