Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
