my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i came on her dog
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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