Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize