Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
