I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
