Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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