hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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