dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize