I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
