There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
