Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
