can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
