I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
