My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize