i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize