it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
