My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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