No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
