i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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