I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize