I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
