what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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