My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
