He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
